Fatherhood…

Posted under Daughters, Family, How I See It, Wife by Mike

Through the years I’ve collected notes about fatherhood from others.  Sayings that spoke to me, or just plain philosophies that I’ve picked up as a dad.  No, these are not the Bill Cosby or Paul Reiser versions of what they believe is fatherhood.  Just odds and ends that hopefully will put a smile on your face and a head shaking in agreement.  Enjoy….

Don’t worry, your dad didn’t know what he was doing, either.

No, no–not that Spock!

On second thought, maybe you should worry.

Never tell anybody that you and your wife are “trying.” We really don’t need the visual, that’s why.

Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.  We really don’t care.

Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.

Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity. For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride.  Then, a referee. And finally, a bank.

You know how they say you’ll get used to diapers? You won’t.  Unless you wear them a lot.

The reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant.

The reason girls are better: They’re less likely to get arrested.

My favorite: The threat of an unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one.

Teach by example.

Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they’re allowed to make their own mistakes in judgment.

Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.

The first time you change your son’s diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It’s foreshadowing.

It never hurts to videotape the baby-sitter.  Especially if she’s hot.

Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.

Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes.

Reason girls are better: They’re less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.

Overalls are not only cute, they provide a convenient handle.

At a certain point, your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries, Cheerios, and hot dogs.

Dropping food on the floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt to annoy you.

However, as small he or she might be, never underestimate an infant’s ability to project chewed food over great distances.

The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.

Children’s hobbies to nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting.

Beware your child’s uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches.

It is, of course, your natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings’ offspring.

You are under no obligation to tell children the truth.

Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: “Oh, that tree? That’s a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course.”

On the other hand, they do remember everything.

More later…