Fatherhood (cont.)…

Posted under Daughters, Family, How I See It, Wife by Mike

Got some great responses on my last post, thought I’d share some more fatherhoods quips I’ve collected through the years.  Enjoy…

Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son’s does not.

Lock or no, please knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him.

Other doors to lock: those on the liquor cabinet.

There is only one reason for a teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is.

 Unfortunately, those books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women who are not your wife.

If the real response to your teenager’s question is no, try this instead: “Go ask your mom.”

DNA tests are 99.9 percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure.

The twos aren’t always terrible.  Even if they are, take heart, as kids reach the ages of three to six they generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them.  How scary is that?

It’s never too early to begin reading to children.

Let them read what they enjoy.

Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well.  No, you cannot ask for it back.  Furthermore, you cannot steal his.

Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kids their pretty great.

And never raise a hand to them.  But being a good guy, you probably knew that.

The harder they play, the earlier they sleep.

Never turn down an invitation to play.

No toys that require batteries.

They never really outgrow the claw.  “No, Dad, no! Not the claw!” means “Apply the claw, please.” (the movie “Liar, Liar)

All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific — filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles — particularly other people’s fatherhood.

You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you’re a grandfather.

If you’re thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you’ve known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.