Holidays With The Ex?

Posted under Ex's, Featured

 

I was stumbling around the blog-o-sphere this morning wondering who I can harass with my snide remarks in their comments pages. 

 

I do this because I really don’t have much else to do.  We’re all still waiting for either the inevitable layoff or the FDIC to show up at the doors and close us down.  Working for a bank sucks… 

 

That and I’m also waiting for the mechanic to call me back.  That damn “Check Engine” light came on yesterday.  No matter what, every time it goes in to the shop I can expect at least a $300 bill.  I think I missed my calling, should have gone to mechanics school.

 

But I digress. 

 

As I was lurking around places not meant to be found I stumbled on Heather at Geez Louize!!  She’s a single mom with a sense of humor.  I love funny.  She ranted about hearing on the radio how ex’s and their spouses can be really good friends.  They even talked about the ex’s new spouses as friends.  Eww!

 

I bring this up because last night my ex and I had dinner with my youngest daughter.  My ex and I sometimes need to do a parental team up on the girls to set them straight.  This time it was about dropping her boyfriend and focusing on her school work more.  Will the drama never end? 

 

Anyways, my ex and I have always placed the kids first in our divorce and have had to work together (beat them over the heads) to get our points across.  My ex and I have a cordial relationship.  Not what you’d call a “friends” you want over to the house type relationship.  She and I have some major trust issues that weren’t resolved, hence our divorce. 

 

So at the end of the evening as we were leaving the restaurant my ex told my daughter that she would hope in time that our two families could eventually get together for the holidays.  Like good friends do. 

 

I took a double take on that.  Stopped her and made her repeat it just so I was sure I heard it right. 

 

I did.

 

After I got up from laughing harder than I have in a long time, I told her that I wouldn’t hold her breath.  She’s a nice enough person and after being married for 15 years we have a lot of history together.  Some good, some very bad.

 

I don’t think Happy Holidays with the ex is coming anytime soon…

Jean

Posted under Ex's, Family

 

The call came when I was out with friends playing our regular Monday night soccer game.  An excuse for a bunch of old guys to try and recapture our youth.  As I walked through the front door my wife said my youngest called.  She said she sounded upset.  My mind thought, here we go again with the teenage drama of school and friends.

 

Still sweating from the game I picked up the phone and called her.  My ex answered and immediately handed the phone to my youngest.  “Granny Jean died today” were her first words to me.  I sat down and absorbed the news.  It wasn’t unexpected, but just the same I was taken aback.  She was a day shy of her ninety fifth birthday.

 

Jean was my ex wife’s grandmother.  I first met her when my ex and I started dating back in 1979.  I had been this boy of nineteen who had just started college, had met a girl and had fallen hard for her.  Since her parents lived in Europe, her closest relatives were her grandparents living in Newport Beach. 

 

I came from a modest blue collar family.  My mom and dad both worked.  I was the first in my family to go to college.  She wanted to introduce me to her grandparents.    They lived in Newport.  They lived in a neighborhood of movie stars and pro football players.  I was intimidated.  A fish out of water. 

 

Jean and Popeye (Bob) were gracious and kind.  They invited me into their home.  It became a home that my ex and I after we were married spent many Sunday evening family dinners at.  Big, loud, family dinners with conversations ranging from politics, religion, family, history, travel, every evening became an education.  This boy from blue collar beginnings began his schooling on things that college would never teach him.

 

Jean and Popeye were young sweethearts who fell for each other.  They raised a son and a daughter who were devoted to their parents.  They both worked hard, he as a Port Pilot for the Port of Los Angeles and she as a homemaker and mother.  Jean was unselfish in volunteering for causes to help those who were less fortunate.  She was a major organizer with The Assistance League of Newport Beach. 

 

My ex got on the phone after my youngest gave me the news.  I gave her my condolences.  We talked about Jean and the life she lead.  We talked about how she was so much in love with her husband, loved her children and grandchildren.  When my ex and I became parents to our daughters, Jean was the adoring Great Grandmother who spoiled them constantly.  She truly loved her family and took great pride in making sure that family came first. 

 

She had lived a long and very full life.  Jean and I didn’t always see eye to eye on many things.  But she taught me the lessons of grace, love and unselfishness.

 

She will be missed, but not forgotten.  Goodbye Jean.    

 

Can We Be Friends?

Posted under Ex's, Family, My Observations

 Late last night while checking my blog I found that someone had linked back to me from a comment I had made at their site.  I went back to her blog and read her post.  I reread it several times. 

 

As is what happens while blogging we find kindred spirits going through the same issues.  I think many times we write not only for the therapeutic vomit of words we spill out, but also with the hope that someone, somewhere out there is experiencing this as well. 

 

There are quite a few of us who have found ourselves in this very situation.  We’ve recently separated or divorced and find ourselves in a position we aren’t sure how to handle. 

 

KT at When Did I Become A Grownup?, finds herself in this position.  She and her husband after 17 years together have been separated for many months now, and there may not be a chance of reconciliation.  During this marriage she has formed a bond with her mother in-law and sister in-law.  And now that the marriage maybe dissolving, her dilemma is what will happen to her relationship with in in-laws.  

 

I’ll ask that you go to her blog and look at her post.  I could repeat what she has written, but I wouldn’t do it justice.  It’s always best to hear it straight from the source. 

 

I was married for 15 years before my divorce.  My wife and I, while we were married, made a few friends, and I was close to one of her brothers.  After the divorce you could see a separation of our friends.  Choices were made on whom they would follow.  Trying to stay with both would not be possible.  The uncomfortable awkwardness would always be there.  The elephant in the room that everyone would knew was there, yet not necessarily acknowledged.

 

My brother in-law told me after the divorce how sorry he was, but as in his words “blood is thicker than water”.  He hated that his sister created the atmosphere for our divorce but couldn’t in good conscious continue his relationship with me while still being her brother.  

 

I understood.  I didn’t like it.  Just one more person whom I lost because of the divorce.  I respected his decision.  He understood that family must come first.  I still drop him an email on his birthday, but we don’t have the relationship that we once had.

 

I think in retrospect that if I had continued my connection with my brother in-law it would have spoiled his relationship with his sister.  I would have told him things, he would have responded positively or negatively and that would have made it awkward.  It was best to let the wounds heal as soon as possible and for all of us to move on.

 

A divorce is the chance to start anew.  To begin with a clean slate and to establish new relationships.  My children have always had a connection to my wife’s side of the family and friends, and they now have the benefit of my family and new relationships.

 

I know that everyone’s situation is different.  How has your divorce or separation affected your relationships with in-laws and mutual friends?

 

Dealing with the Ex’s

Posted under Ex's

 

Once in a great while the disputes I have with my ex-wife raise their ugly heads, and I have to deal with someone about whom I not sure is rational.  And please remember these are my points of view and not necessarily those of the management. 

 

Raising kids is supposed to be a partnered thing.  This is why we get married and have children.  You and your spouse watch each others back and hope you don’t get ambushed by the little rug rats.  You trade off with responsibilities and give each other time to be adults for a little while.

 

Well, divorce screws that up royally.  You suddenly become a single parent trying to work with a hostile enemy.  You may say to each other that “it’s all about the kids”, but in reality there is an underlying power trip going on.  The kids unfortunately become the pawns in your struggles with your “ex” to be right.  No matter how well your intentions, if you’re not sleeping with that person or spending hours on end with them you won’t be on the same side.  You can’t be a team in deciding what’s best.  I’ve witnessed it and I’ve lived it. 

 

My ex and I are for the most part are very cordial.  We do strive to do what’s best for the kids.  I’ve been told by many people that we have one of the “better divorces” out there.  Whatever that means!  However, there are days that when dealing with her makes me cringe.  Her need to be right will overshadow our need to partner in the decision process.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Angel.  I’ve gone off the deep end of the reality pool a few times myself.  When your checks and balances of a spouse at home are not there and you need to fly by the seat of your pants, you sometimes crash and burn.  Guilty as charged.

 

What is the answer to this dilemma?  How do we raise our kids in this environment work?  Where do I find the patience not to prank call their mother?   

 

She’s Growing Up!!

Posted under Daughters, Ex's, My Observations

I spent yesterday moving my oldest from the college housing into a townhouse off campus.  This becomes just another chapter in her life.  She see the beginning of what is going to happen in her young life and I get the opportunity to look back and see how she’s grown to this point.  Amid all the chaos of moving furniture, clothing, bedding and other things I watched a young confident woman taking charge of her life.  I miss the little girl who would ask me a hundred questions all beginning with the word “why?”. 

 

Her mother and I both drove up to help her make the move.  Since our divorce the kids are the one of the few things we don’t argue about.  Maybe as parents we’ve made sure that they come first.  It was good to watch us as a “family” go about what we needed to get our oldest settled in her new place.

 

I guess the moral of this story is to stay focused on what’s important.  I know that sounds cliché but when parents divorce the emphasis needs to be on not screwing up the kids.  Let’s face it.  It’s not their fault you and your ex blew it.  STAY FOCUSED…..