I know, many of you will look at the photos at the top of the blog and say, “There is no way Mike is turning 50 tomorrow.” and then there are a few of you, (I’m talking to you Matt) who will say, “Oh dear god, he’s not looking too good.”

Either way, being a half century has been a hell of a ride, so far.  I count my blessings every day for what I have.  A beautiful wife who puts up with my ever changing “get rich” plans.  Three gorgeous daughters who light up my life every day, even those days where I am pulling out what’s left of my hair.

Yeah, I’ve had my share of ups and downs.  A divorce, losing my dad way too soon, unemployment, a house with a couple of cats.  Nothing that most of you haven’t had to deal with in your own lives.

I’ve had a great time writing this blog.  It has given me an outlet to express my joy, pain, frustration, elation and my creativity.  I have made some great friends  that I hope to see in person some day.

So, as you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday, first please remember the reason why we celebrate it, those who have given their lives to protect our freedoms.  And second, raise a beer to the guy you’ve shared stories with for the last couple of years and know that he is at that half century mark.

….and still counting. 

I’ve had the opportunity to have several mother’s in my life.  Obviously my own mother, who raised a couple of sons without much training considering she was an only child.  I maybe biased, but she did a pretty good job of getting my brother and I into adulthood. 

I have also married a couple of women (not at the same time, that’d be wrong…) who have been great mothers.  My first wife, with whom I had the great pleasure of raising two beautiful daughters.  And my current wife who with her own daughter has made for an interesting “female heavy” household.   

So, let me join the chorus that all men need to be shouting.  Thank you ladies for being the mother’s that many of us dad’s would be lost without.

Happy Mother’s Day….

6:45 – The wife gently wakes me with a kiss goodbye and reminds me to have a great day.  Got to love that woman who keeps me grounded.  Got to remember her birthday this year…

7:30 – Begin to roll over in bed and contemplate the day.  Not much excitment planned for the day.  Stumble out of bed, head to the shower, inspect the soon to be 50 year old body for damage and aging.  Soak my head for 10 minutes in the shower to shake the cobwebs.

8:00 – I get dressed in shorts and a t-shirt (this is Southern California) and head out the door with the dog to meet with my Coffee Consortium at the patio of the local shopping center.  We all b.s. about the economy, jobs, money, how it was in the day, kids, grand kids (them) and drink our coffee.

9:00 – Head home with the dog after way too many stops.  This dog needs check out every damn bush!  Head upstairs and turn the computer on.

9:10  – 10:30 – Answer email, check cigar websites, update a Facebook status.  Basically goofing around for about an hour.  Then off to serious work.  The job hunt.  I’ve got about a dozen sites I check on to look for the latest in employment.  So far not much luck.

11:00 – 12:00 – Head to the gym and try to work out my frustration that finding a “friggin” job is so difficult.  Probably good for an additional couple of miles on the treadmill.

1:00 – 4:00 – Spend this time writing articles.  It is amazing what you can write about if you put the effort in.  Who knew I could write about allergies and dust mites? 

5:00 – 10:00 – Family time.  Dinner, time to talk with the wife and girls about their days of work and school.  Eventually one of the girls will ask:  

“What did you do today Dad?” 

Our home is subscription central.  We have more magazines lying about that I’m sure a small forest could have been saved.  My wife ends up with Redbook, Shape, Woman’s Health and numerous other ”girlie” magazines that tend to lower my testosterone.  In my spare time, which we all can agree is way too much, my curiosity had me glancing through these magazines hoping to get a glimmer into the female psyche.  Okay, stop laughing… 

You know what I found out?  According to these “highly informed” magazines, women are obsessed with losing weight and sex. 

The losing weight I can’t help with.  I’m struggling with that myself.  Being unemployed allowed me to be a “bit lazy” when it came to exercise.  Thank God my wife bought me that gym membership last week.  Now, I just need to find the gym.

According to these well informed articles, sex will do the following for you:

• Help you to lose weight, burns calories
• Reduces wrinkling
• Helps prevent heart disease
• Helps to relieve stress
• Can keep cancer away
• Good for the brain
• Good for the skin
• Good for headaches

You would think with all of these health benefits, why would any couple ever think about getting out of bed.  Hell, if we all stayed horizonal (or vertical, or upside down, or backwards) wouldn’t we all be much more healthier? 

I’m just saying…

Because we all need a laugh once in a while…

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1.. Drive up to the cash machine.
2.. Put down your car window.
3.. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.. Put window up..
7.. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6.. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9.. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card..
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

We finally dried out around here and looks like sunshine for the next week.  Great news for me because I get to put on my shorts again.  Not a lot of news around here to speak of. 

Me, still looking for work and writing articles like a mad man. 

The wife, still working hard but enjoying sixth graders, usually. 

The girls are all about school, finals, winter formals and keeping me jumping.

Watched the State of the Union address last night.  Normally not something I would do.  Most President’s use it as a chance to puff up their egos and look good to the American public.  However, the local NPR radio station asked me to watch it and give them feedback, so I did.

I found Obama a bit on the moderate side in his speech.  You don’t normally have a Democrat speak about tax cuts and spending limits.   Kind of reminded me of Bill Clinton years ago.  Parts of his speech seemed to be a bit apologetic to how the first year of his administration went.  I think he knows that he may have burned some bridges on the Republican side and was looking for a way to redeem himself.  That’s not to say he didn’t also have a bit of “fire and brimstone” in his speech about health-care and Iraq.  I am glad that he started his speech talking about jobs.  Being unemployed that was an important topic for me. 

All in all, I’m glad I heard it.  Let’s see how it all plays out in the next few months.

If NPR decides to air my opinions, I share the link with everyone. 

In the meantime, stay dry, stay warm and in the immortal words of our President, “God Bless the United States.”

Holly Toledo, I’ve been very neglectful of this blog.  I hope everyone had the best holidays.  Mine were great with family and friends around to make the season and the New Year festive this year. 

My wife and I last week celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary.  For those keeping track, the 4th anniversary is celebrated with fruits, flowers or…. appliances?  We’ll she got a new grind and brew coffee maker for Christmas and I wasn’t about to get her another one for our anniversary.  For some reason an appliance seems like the wrong thing to buy.  “Happy anniversary, here is that brand new vacuum you wanted.”  I’ve been married way too long to fall into that trap.

But my wife, bless her, came up with a great anniversary gift for me.  She took the fruit theme and ran with it.  She bought me a bottle of Gran Marnier (a liqueur), two small bottles of fruit infused vodka (one orange, one lemon), a dark chocolate bar with raspberry filling, a cherry flavored cigar (yeah, a cigar) and the best was a package of “Fruit of the Loom” boxer shorts. 

If that doesn’t scream love, I don’t know what does…

Got some great responses on my last post, thought I’d share some more fatherhoods quips I’ve collected through the years.  Enjoy…

Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son’s does not.

Lock or no, please knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him.

Other doors to lock: those on the liquor cabinet.

There is only one reason for a teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is.

 Unfortunately, those books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women who are not your wife.

If the real response to your teenager’s question is no, try this instead: “Go ask your mom.”

DNA tests are 99.9 percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure.

The twos aren’t always terrible.  Even if they are, take heart, as kids reach the ages of three to six they generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them.  How scary is that?

It’s never too early to begin reading to children.

Let them read what they enjoy.

Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well.  No, you cannot ask for it back.  Furthermore, you cannot steal his.

Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kids their pretty great.

And never raise a hand to them.  But being a good guy, you probably knew that.

The harder they play, the earlier they sleep.

Never turn down an invitation to play.

No toys that require batteries.

They never really outgrow the claw.  “No, Dad, no! Not the claw!” means “Apply the claw, please.” (the movie “Liar, Liar)

All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific — filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles — particularly other people’s fatherhood.

You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you’re a grandfather.

If you’re thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you’ve known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.

Through the years I’ve collected notes about fatherhood from others.  Sayings that spoke to me, or just plain philosophies that I’ve picked up as a dad.  No, these are not the Bill Cosby or Paul Reiser versions of what they believe is fatherhood.  Just odds and ends that hopefully will put a smile on your face and a head shaking in agreement.  Enjoy….

Don’t worry, your dad didn’t know what he was doing, either.

No, no–not that Spock!

On second thought, maybe you should worry.

Never tell anybody that you and your wife are “trying.” We really don’t need the visual, that’s why.

Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.  We really don’t care.

Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.

Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity. For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride.  Then, a referee. And finally, a bank.

You know how they say you’ll get used to diapers? You won’t.  Unless you wear them a lot.

The reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant.

The reason girls are better: They’re less likely to get arrested.

My favorite: The threat of an unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one.

Teach by example.

Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they’re allowed to make their own mistakes in judgment.

Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.

The first time you change your son’s diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It’s foreshadowing.

It never hurts to videotape the baby-sitter.  Especially if she’s hot.

Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.

Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes.

Reason girls are better: They’re less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.

Overalls are not only cute, they provide a convenient handle.

At a certain point, your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries, Cheerios, and hot dogs.

Dropping food on the floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt to annoy you.

However, as small he or she might be, never underestimate an infant’s ability to project chewed food over great distances.

The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.

Children’s hobbies to nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting.

Beware your child’s uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches.

It is, of course, your natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings’ offspring.

You are under no obligation to tell children the truth.

Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: “Oh, that tree? That’s a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course.”

On the other hand, they do remember everything.

More later…

There I said it and I stand by my words.  There just doesn’t seem to be enough time to consummate my relationship as often as I would like.  Life has just gotten either too busy, too crazy, interrupted or some other priority like catching up on my sleep.

Now this isn’t a complaint coming from an oversexed, misunderstood male.  My wife agrees with me on this subject.  Between her work teaching sixth graders, dealing with three teenagers and their crazy schedules, and obligations with family and friends, this leaves little time for just us.  And when we get that time where no one is around or we have no commitments, we’re both just plain crazy tired.

I remember our days of dating and it just seemed that there was ALWAYS time for sex.  We were just like little rabbits and always found ways of sneaking off to enjoy ourselves.  Now it seems more work to find that time.  What the hell happened? 

Sometime ago, I wrote an article about women’s thongs.  That argument parallels my current situation.  I understand that there is an evolution in any relationship. 

I’m sure that this is just a bump in the road and things will begin to ramp up again.  But thankfully I have this blog to vent my fustration. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time to go find my wife.  And if the moons are aligned, the kids are gone, and we have any energy left, we can get busy…..