6:30 - Awake to the sound of a shower going. Sounds like a little rainstorm, just inside the house. The wife is finishing up getting ready for work. I roll over and blissfully fall back asleep.
6:45 – The wife gently wakes me with a kiss goodbye and reminds me to have a great day. Got to love that woman who keeps me grounded. Got to remember her birthday this year…
7:30 – Begin to roll over in bed and contemplate the day. Not much excitment planned for the day. Stumble out of bed, head to the shower, inspect the soon to be 50 year old body for damage and aging. Soak my head for 10 minutes in the shower to shake the cobwebs.
8:00 – I get dressed in shorts and a t-shirt (this is Southern California) and head out the door with the dog to meet with my Coffee Consortiumat the patio of the local shopping center. We all b.s. about the economy, jobs, money, how it was in the day, kids, grand kids (them) and drink our coffee.
9:00 – Head home with the dog after way too many stops. This dog needs check out every damn bush! Head upstairs and turn the computer on.
9:10 – 10:30 – Answer email, check cigar websites, update a Facebook status. Basically goofing around for about an hour. Then off to serious work. The job hunt. I’ve got about a dozen sites I check on to look for the latest in employment. So far not much luck.
11:00 – 12:00 – Head to the gym and try to work out my frustration that finding a “friggin” job is so difficult. Probably good for an additional couple of miles on the treadmill.
1:00 – 4:00 – Spend this time writing articles. It is amazing what you can write about if you put the effort in. Who knew I could write about allergies and dust mites?
5:00 – 10:00 – Family time. Dinner, time to talk with the wife and girls about their days of work and school. Eventually one of the girls will ask:
As a man with too much time on his hands, I’ve had the opportunity to explore many things. My wife says that’s what makes me dangerous. She’s probably right.
Our home is subscription central. We have more magazines lying about that I’m sure a small forest could have been saved. My wife ends up with Redbook, Shape, Woman’s Health and numerous other ”girlie” magazines that tend to lower my testosterone. In my spare time, which we all can agree is way too much, my curiosity had me glancing through these magazines hoping to get a glimmer into the female psyche. Okay, stop laughing…
You know what I found out? According to these “highly informed” magazines, women are obsessed with losing weight and sex.
The losing weight I can’t help with. I’m struggling with that myself. Being unemployed allowed me to be a “bit lazy” when it came to exercise. Thank God my wife bought me that gym membership last week. Now, I just need to find the gym.
According to these well informed articles, sex will do the following for you:
Help you to lose weight, burns calories
Reduces wrinkling
Helps prevent heart disease
Helps to relieve stress
Can keep cancer away
Good for the brain
Good for the skin
Good for headaches
You would think with all of these health benefits, why would any couple ever think about getting out of bed. Hell, if we all stayed horizonal (or vertical, or upside down, or backwards) wouldn’t we all be much more healthier?
It seems that Carly Simon announced to the press the other day who she was writing about when she wrote the song “Your So Vain” back in 1972. It seems that her ire was not for a jilted boyfriend who may have treated her wrong. No, this was all saved up for a record producer whom she felt didn’t pay her or her new album enough attention.
I mean, David Geffen who was in charge of Electra Records, her label at the time was more involved with Joni Mitchell and getting her promoted than Carly. David Geffen, the ‘gay’ record producer.
Does this all seem a bit anti-climatic? For decades Carly Simon had kept this a secret. It became kind of an icon of secrets. Who was she talking about was always the conversation whenever the song played. Was it Warren Beatty or Mick Jagger she was complaining about?
I grew up with Carly and her music. We are not that far off in age, and she just had a great voice especially when paired with her former husband James Taylor.
I think she should have kept the secret. The mystery seemed to generate more fun with the song. Now, it’s just another song.
As I approach the young age of 50 in a few months, I have found I need my humor more than ever. This story makes me laugh. Enjoy the laugh…
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
No, I don’t have a bad case of dandruff, or head lice. I’m scratching my head because I am truly confused. I warn you ahead of time, this is my little soap box I’m standing on today. Just need to bitch to the world wide Internet about things.
For those who may not know, I’ve currently been unemployed since last May. For those counting, that’s about 9 months on the payroll of California’s unemployed. Not a happy place for anyone. However, a couple of nights back, my wife and I went to see our tax preparer. Fortunately for us, the news was good. We don’t owe Uncle Sam this year.
However, she told us of a client she has who has been unemployed for as long as I have. This gentleman was offered a “temporary” job for about six weeks. The guy thinking this was a way to get off of unemployment for a time, took the job. While he had been on unemployment his previous salary allowed him to collect the highest amount which is $900 every two weeks. However, after taking the minimum wage job for six weeks, and then refiling for unemployment when it ended, he was told that the State of California looks at your last six weeks of salary and the last 3 months average of pay. He made minimum for those six weeks and because of unemployment the previous 3 months which is consider not a wage, he was offered unemployment of less than $200 every two weeks.
SOAP BOX: Where is the incentive to take a job, any job, when the state cuts your unemployment. It has me personally scared to take just any job at the moment. If the State of California can cut a small wage to even smaller, what is a family to do?
THE CAVEAT: Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish to stay on the state’s payroll. I’ve always held a job since when disco was still popular (yeah, I’m that old) and not working is driving me (and the wife) a bit crazy. However, I’m not crazy enough to jump at the first job and risk what little I have right now. However, I also know the this won’t last forever and I will soon run out of benefits and need to take that McDonald’s job….
6:30 - Awake to the sound of a shower going. Sounds like a little rainstorm, just inside the house. The wife is finishing up getting ready for work. I roll over and blissfully fall back asleep. 
As a man with too much time on his hands, I’ve had the opportunity to explore many things. My wife says that’s what makes me dangerous. She’s probably right.
It seems that Carly Simon announced to the press the other day who she was writing about when she wrote the song “Your So Vain” back in 1972. It seems that her ire was not for a jilted boyfriend who may have treated her wrong. No, this was all saved up for a record producer whom she felt didn’t pay her or her new album enough attention. 
As I approach the young age of 50 in a few months, I have found I need my humor more than ever. This story makes me laugh. Enjoy the laugh…
